How to Stay Connected in Your Marriage When You Have Kids

 

I feel like so much of the conversation around marriage and relationships, especially among parents, centers around getting time away from the kids.

Date nights. Weekend getaways. Vacations without the children. Couples' trips where you finally get to be “just us” again.

And I understand the appeal. Parenting is exhausting sometimes. Between work, school schedules, household responsibilities, and the million little things that come with raising kids, it's easy to feel like you're running a family together rather than actually spending time together as a couple.

Sometimes, getting away from the everyday chaos gives you the chance to reconnect.

But what happens when getting away isn't really an option?

My husband and I don't have much of a village to call on when we want to take a vacation without our daughter. So, out of necessity, we've gotten pretty good at doing things as a family.

Our vacations are family vacations. Our weekends usually include our kid. Our dinners out often involve someone asking for a refill of their drink or announcing that they're bored approximately twelve minutes after we sit down.

And honestly? That's just how I like it.

Don't get me wrong. Doing anything with a child can be significantly more complicated.

You can't casually whisper about a surprise when your kid has recently learned to spell. Planning birthday gifts becomes a covert operation. You can't have a serious conversation in the car without a small voice from the back seat asking, “What are you talking about?”

And sometimes, you just want to go to Target without hearing, “Can I have this?” forty-seven times.

But somewhere along the way, we stopped feeling like we were missing out because we weren't constantly getting away from our daughter.

We realized that we actually enjoy doing things together, even when those things involve the entire family.

You Don't Have to Escape Your Life to Enjoy Your Marriage

My husband and I still have date nights alone occasionally, and I'll be honest: half the time, we're sitting there talking about Ava anyway.

We'll send each other pictures of her, talk about something funny she did that day, or wonder what she's doing at home.

Because she's part of our life. And I don't think enjoying our marriage requires pretending that the part of our life that includes our child doesn't exist.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting time alone together. In fact, I think that time can be important.

But I've also learned that connection doesn't have to wait until someone can watch your kids, you have the money for a weekend away, or your schedules finally line up.

Sometimes, it's much smaller than that.

Sometimes it's a kiss in the kitchen while Ava dramatically announces that we're being gross.

Sometimes it's dancing while we're making dinner.

And yes, the kitchen is absolutely meant for dancing. This has always been a rule in our house.

She's old enough now that she mostly tolerates it rather than immediately declaring that we're embarrassing her, so I'll take the win.

These little moments probably wouldn't look particularly romantic to anyone else. There's no fancy dinner, no carefully planned evening, and certainly no guarantee that we'll make it through a song without someone needing something.

But they're ours.

And I think there's something special about being able to find those moments of connection in the middle of an otherwise ordinary day.

Sometimes, the Best Time Together Happens After Bedtime

Honestly, my favorite time with my husband isn't necessarily when we're dressed up and sitting across from each other at a restaurant.

It's after Ava goes to bed.

It's when we stay up later than we probably should, sitting in bed and talking about our day.

We talk about things we're planning, things we're worried about, things we want to do someday. Sometimes we have a serious conversation. Sometimes we're completely ridiculous and laugh about something that wouldn't be funny to anyone else.

It's quiet.

Nobody needs a snack.

Nobody is asking to play another round of Uno.

Nobody needs help finding something that's sitting directly in front of them.

It's just us.

And those ordinary conversations have become some of my favorite parts of our marriage.

I think it's easy to assume that reconnecting with your spouse requires doing something special. A date night. A weekend away. An activity that gets you out of your usual routine.

And those things can absolutely be wonderful.

But sometimes, connection looks like putting your phones down and asking about each other's day. Sometimes it's talking about the future when the house is finally quiet. Sometimes it's laughing together in bed when you should both have been asleep twenty minutes ago.

There's no elaborate plan. No reservation to make. No babysitter to coordinate.

Just two people making a little room for each other in the life they're already living.

What Happens When You Finally Get Time Alone?

Occasionally, my mom will take Ava for a couple of hours on a weekend.

Kyle and I will immediately make grand plans.

We're going to clean the house.

We're going to work on the yard.

We're going to finally tackle that one project we've been putting off.

And then somehow, we spend the entire two hours goofing around together.

We talk. We joke. We sit down for “just a minute,” and somehow that minute becomes forty-five minutes. We lose track of time, look at the clock, and realize we have to go pick up Ava.

And honestly?

I don't even mind.

I know there are approximately seventeen things we could have accomplished in those two hours. The house could have been cleaner. The yard could have been more organized. We could have made progress on the project that's been sitting on our to-do list for far too long.

But sometimes, I'd rather just hang out with my husband.

Not because the responsibilities don't matter. They do. And there are certainly days when I wish we had more time to get everything done.

But it's a nice reminder that spending time together doesn't always need to have a purpose.

We don't have to be productive. We don't have to plan an elaborate date. We don't even have to leave the house.

Sometimes, we can just enjoy each other.

And I think that's an important part of maintaining a connection when you're raising kids. You make room for one another in whatever ways you can, even when those moments don't look particularly impressive from the outside.

Simple Ways to Stay Connected When You Have Kids

I don't think there's one formula for maintaining a happy marriage while raising a family. Every relationship is different, and what works for us might not work for someone else.

But I've come to appreciate how much the small, ordinary moments can matter.

It might look like:

• Talking for a few minutes after the kids go to bed instead of immediately reaching for your phones.
• Making dinner together and turning the kitchen into an impromptu dance floor.
• Finding reasons to laugh with each other, even on the days when parenting feels especially exhausting.
• Running errands together and enjoying the conversation along the way.
• Making time for an occasional date, even if it's something simple at home.
• Letting the to-do list wait once in a while so you can sit together without feeling like you should be doing something else.

None of these things is particularly groundbreaking. They're not guaranteed to fix a difficult season in a relationship, and they don't replace the work it takes to build a healthy marriage.

But they can create little opportunities to reconnect, especially when regular childcare or time away isn't readily available.

And perhaps that's what I've come to appreciate most: you don't always need to create an entirely separate life to enjoy your marriage. Sometimes, you can find ways to enjoy the life you're already building together.

Of course, there are days when we're exhausted, distracted, or just trying to make it through the evening. Not every moment is sweet, and not every conversation is meaningful.

But I like knowing that connection doesn't have to be reserved for the occasions when everything goes according to plan.

Sometimes, it can happen right in the middle of the chaos.

Marriage Is About More Than Date Nights

Maybe that's what I've come to believe marriage is really about.

It's not necessarily the fancy restaurant or the expensive vacation or the perfectly worded Facebook anniversary post.

It's not even about how often you manage to get away from your kids.

It's about whether you genuinely enjoy the person sitting next to you when there's nothing particularly exciting happening.

It's about having someone you can run errands with, sit on the couch with, make dinner with, complain about the broken thing in the house with, and laugh with when your carefully planned afternoon completely falls apart.

It's about being able to spend two child-free hours together and realize that the housework can wait because you'd rather just hang out.

It's about the person you want beside you when life is ordinary.

Because eventually, the fancy dinners are over. The vacation ends. The kids grow up. The pictures get posted, and the moment passes.

What remains is the person sitting beside you in the kitchen.

And I think, for me, that's the part of marriage I value most.

Who do you want to do absolutely nothing with?

Because if I can spend an ordinary Tuesday night dancing in the kitchen with you while dinner burns and our kid is rolling her eyes at us, I think that's a pretty good marriage.