Date nights. Weekend getaways. Vacations without the children. Couples' trips where you finally get to be “just us” again.
I've even seen the TikToks joking about how, when the kids aren't around, you suddenly realize, Oh yeah, I actually like my spouse.
And I'm not judging that. Truly. I don't know what happens inside someone else's marriage, and I don't think a TikTok can tell you whether a couple is happy or struggling. If getting away together gives you a chance to reconnect, that's wonderful.
But our experience has been a little different.
We don't really have a village that we can call up when we want to take a vacation without our daughter. So, out of necessity, we have gotten pretty good at doing things as a family. Our vacations are family vacations. Our weekends usually include our kid. Our dinners out often involve someone asking for a refill of their drink or announcing that they're bored approximately twelve minutes after we sat down.
And thats just how I like it.
Don't get me wrong. Doing anything with a child can be significantly more complicated.
You can't casually whisper about a surprise when your kid has recently learned to spell. Planning birthday gifts becomes a covert operation. You can't have a serious conversation in the car without a small voice from the back seat asking, “What are you talking about?”
And sometimes you just want to go to Target without having to hear, “Can I have this?” 47 times.
But somewhere along the way, we stopped feeling like we were missing out because we weren't constantly getting away from our daughter.
We actually enjoy doing things together.
My husband and I still have date nights alone occasionally, and I'll be honest: half the time we're sitting there talking about Ava anyway. We'll send each other pictures of her, talk about something funny she did that day, or wonder what she's doing at home.
Because she's part of our life. And I don't think enjoying our marriage requires pretending that the part of our life that includes our child doesn't exist.
We still find little moments for each other.
Sometimes it's a kiss in the kitchen while Ava dramatically announces that we're being gross.
Sometimes it's dancing while we're making dinner.
And yes, the kitchen is absolutely meant to be danced in. This has always been a rule in our house.
She's old enough now that she mostly tolerates it rather than immediately declaring that we're embarrassing her, so I'll take the win.
But honestly, my favorite time with my husband isn't necessarily when we're dressed up and sitting across from each other at a restaurant.
It's after Ava goes to bed.
It's when we stay up later than we probably should, sitting in bed and talking about our day. We talk about things we're planning, things we're worried about, things we want to do someday. Sometimes we have a serious conversation. Sometimes we're completely ridiculous and laugh about something that wouldn't be funny to anyone else.
It's quiet.
Nobody needs a snack.
Nobody is asking to play another round of Uno.
Nobody needs help finding something that is sitting directly in front of them.
It's just us.
And those ordinary conversations have become some of my favorite parts of our marriage.
Occasionally, my mom will take Ava for a couple of hours on a weekend. Kyle and I will immediately make grand plans.
We're going to clean the house.
We're going to work on the yard.
We're going to finally tackle that one project we've been putting off.
And then somehow we spend the entire two hours goofing around together.
We talk. We joke. We sit down for “just a minute” and somehow that minute becomes forty-five minutes. We lose track of time, look at the clock, and realize we have to go pick up Ava.
And honestly?
I don't even mind.
Because maybe that's what I've come to believe marriage is really about.
It's not necessarily the fancy restaurant or the expensive vacation or the perfectly worded Facebook anniversary post.
It's not even about how often you manage to get away from your kids.
It's about whether you genuinely enjoy the person sitting next to you when there's nothing particularly exciting happening.
It's about being able to spend two child-free hours together and realize that the housework can wait because you'd rather just hang out.
It's about the person you want beside you when life is ordinary.
Because eventually, the fancy dinners are over. The vacation ends. The kids grow up. The pictures get posted and the moment passes.
What remains is the person sitting beside you in the kitchen.
And I think, for me, that's the part of marriage I value most:
Who do you want to do absolutely nothing with?
Because if I can spend an ordinary Tuesday night dancing in the kitchen with you while dinner burns and our kid is rolling her eyes at us, I think that's a pretty good marriage.
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