Your Timeline Isn't Their Timeline

 I think it’s important to understand that your perspective of parenting isn’t the only version of parenting.

Your timeline isn’t the only timeline.

Your child isn’t the standard every other child is supposed to meet.

I remember when Ava was little, she hit so many milestones early. Much like Bluey in the episode “Baby Race,” I started to feel like I had this gifted child who was just going to consistently be leagues ahead.

Then we got to crawling.

And this kid was not particularly interested.

She would lie on her back and wiggle around like a worm with absolutely no specific aim. She started standing. She would walk along the furniture. She would hold onto me or something nearby and cruise around the room.

But she would not let go.

She simply did not trust herself enough to take that first step without something to hold onto.

Meanwhile, I was eyeing that children's milestone and development sheet I had gotten from the doctor's office like it was a scoreboard.

Is she supposed to be crawling by now?

Is she behind?

Should she be doing more?

I was constantly comparing what she was doing to a list of things she supposedly should be doing.

And then one day, she let go.

Except when she did, she had apparently already mastered walking.

She didn't take her first wobbly little steps and gradually figure it out.

She basically skipped straight to running.

It was a pretty good lesson in how little I actually knew about how development worked.

And I think about that a lot when I see people talking about parenting and child development online.

There are general developmental guidelines. There are things doctors watch for. There are reasons those milestones exist.

But a guideline is not a deadline.

And your child's timeline is not a universal deadline for everyone else's child.

I see so many posts with very strong opinions about where children should be developmentally, what they should be doing at a certain age, how they should behave, what parents should allow, and what parents should have already accomplished.

And respectfully?

I disagree.

I think we need to give each other and especially our children a little more grace.

Take restaurants.

If you go to a restaurant and there is a couple with a kid, or multiple kids, and those kids are just... being kids, I think it's a little unfair to immediately get irritated with the parents because their children aren't perfectly quiet, perfectly still little adults.

You don't know that family's situation.

You don't know if they have a child who is overwhelmed by the environment.

You don't know if they're exhausted.

You don't know if this is the first time they've gone somewhere like this in months.

You don't know if they're practicing sitting through a meal in public.

You don't know anything about them other than the five minutes you're sharing a restaurant with them.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and say it's acceptable for kids to run wild, create chaos, endanger themselves or other people, destroy things, or make everyone else's experience miserable.

Obviously there are boundaries.

But if a kid gets overwhelmed, talks a little too loudly, gets bored, gets restless, or doesn't behave exactly how you think a child that age should behave?

Maybe give them a little grace.

They're never going to learn how to behave in these environments if parents are expected to keep them at home until they magically become restaurant-ready.

And don't even get me started on people getting up in arms over kids using tablets in restaurants.

Because honestly, Karen, pick a battle.

If you're going to be annoyed that my kid is bored or making noise, you can't also be mad when I hand her a tablet with educational games to keep her entertained.

Or, God forbid, a streaming service.

I'm sorry, but sometimes we're just trying to eat our dinner.

Maybe choose something that actually matters over whether another parent is using a tablet to survive a meal.

Back to my actual point before I completely derail myself.

We cannot project unrealistic expectations onto parents and children.

We can't expect parents to live in a hole until their kids are perfectly behaved enough to be accepted by society.

And we can't expect children to hit the same milestones, at the same age, in the same order, or behave exactly like our children did.

I am also absolutely not going to sit here and pretend I have always been above this.

I was guilty of it.

While I was pregnant and during the first year of Ava's life, I had a pretty well-behaved baby. Things came relatively easily in some areas, and it was very easy to look at someone else's situation and wonder why they couldn't just do what I was doing.

The problem with that is that I was judging experiences I knew absolutely nothing about.

And even after becoming a parent, I have caught myself judging other parents.

Because apparently becoming a mother does not automatically make you enlightened. Who knew?

What has changed is that I've had more time to realize just how hard parenting actually is.

And parenting is hard enough without parents treating each other like enemies.

We are all trying to raise human beings while simultaneously keeping them alive, fed, emotionally supported, appropriately clothed, educated, entertained, rested, socialized, and reasonably pleasant to be around.

We're doing all of that while working, paying bills, dealing with our own problems, navigating our own childhoods, and trying not to completely lose ourselves in the process.

Maybe we could stop making each other feel like we're failing.

Maybe instead of immediately thinking, I would never let my child do that, we could think, I wonder what that family is dealing with.

Maybe instead of saying, My child stopped doing that at this age, we could remember that our child's timeline was just that ours.

Maybe instead of correcting another parent, we could ask if they need help.

Or we could simply mind our business.

There are general guidelines for developmental milestones, and those conversations belong between parents, caregivers, and a child's primary physician.

If a doctor has concerns, that's something to address.

But if you see a kid you think is "too old" to be doing something?

Maybe keep the comment to yourself.

Maybe you worked really hard to wean your child off a bottle or pacifier at a certain age because that was your goal.

That's great.

But that age isn't necessarily a hard deadline for every other family.

You don't know what that child has experienced.

You don't know what that family is dealing with.

You don't know what battles they have already fought.

And honestly, you don't know if they're even worried about it.

Maybe their timeline just isn't your timeline.

And that's okay.

I think one of the biggest things motherhood has taught me is that there is a difference between having an opinion and needing everyone else to live according to it.

I don't want to be another person adding to the pressure.

I want to be someone another mother can come to and trust without immediately feeling judged.

Because I know what it feels like to feel like nobody understands.

I know what it feels like to look around and wonder if everyone else got a parenting handbook that somehow missed my mailbox.

And the truth is, none of us got one.

We're figuring it out.

Our kids are figuring it out.

Some days we get it right. Some days we absolutely do not.

Some kids walk early.

Some kids walk later.

Some kids sleep through the night.

Some kids apparently believe sleep is a personal insult.

Some kids love restaurants.

Some kids melt down because the fork is the wrong shape.

Some kids use a tablet at dinner.

Some kids don't.

Some parents have strict routines.

Some parents are surviving by vibes and snacks.

And none of those things, by themselves, tell you the whole story of a child or a parent.

Your timeline isn't their timeline.

Your parenting choices aren't the only valid parenting choices.

And maybe we could all breathe a little easier if we remembered that we're not competing.

We're raising kids.

Let's try to help each other get through it.