Adult Friendship Is Hard

Adult friendship is hard.

I don't think we talk about that enough.

In my adult life, I've had a pretty limited circle of friends. Sometimes I wonder if that's because I'm probably somewhere on the spectrum. I'm undiagnosed, so I don't actually know that, but let's just say... something ain't right.

Social things have never necessarily come naturally to me.

And yet, I have a few friendships from high school that have somehow survived the decades. We can go years without talking, reconnect, and somehow it's like no time has passed.

Those girlies know who they are. ❤️

But outside of those friendships, my adult social circle has often been... work.

And I don't even know if that's normal or if that's just me.

When you spend most of your waking hours with the same people, it's pretty natural that your coworkers become your friends. You see each other's lives unfold. You know about their families, their problems, their weird habits. You celebrate promotions and birthdays. You complain about work together. You develop inside jokes that make absolutely no sense to anyone else.

And sometimes those friendships are real.

I have coworkers I've worked with who I would give a reference for in a heartbeat. People who could call me tomorrow and say, "Hey, I want to come work with you," and I'd basically be standing at the door saying, "GET IN HERE. I've missed you. Let's do this."

But I've also noticed something about adult friendships that I didn't really understand when I was younger.

Sometimes the friendship changes when the job changes.

Someone leaves the company. Or I leave. And suddenly, the friendship that felt so close becomes occasional Facebook interactions and a "we really need to get together sometime!" that neither of us ever actually schedules.

And maybe that's just part of adulthood.

But I've also had friendships where I was doing a lot more than simply showing up.

I have always been someone who gives a lot to my friendships.

And I mean a lot.

I'll help. I'll pay. I'll lend things. I'll accommodate. I'll make things easier. I'll rearrange things. I'll listen. I'll show up.

And for a very long time, I thought that was just what being a good friend meant.

I also happen to be a chronic people pleaser who absolutely hates the idea of someone being mad at me.

So asking something of a friend? That felt like imposing.

I could give.

I could accommodate.

I could make myself useful.

But asking someone to do something for me?

That was much harder.

And looking back, that created some pretty one-sided friendships.

I've had friends who were perfectly happy to let me pay for their food.

I've lent things out that either never came back or came back in significantly worse condition.

I've had a friend convince me to go on a trip with her because she didn't want to go alone, and somehow I ended up paying half the expenses.

And yes, looking back now, that sounds absolutely insane.

But at the time?

I thought I was being a good friend.

I thought I was showing people that I cared about them.

I thought that if I was generous enough, accommodating enough, understanding enough, useful enough... that was what made me a good friend.

I Care Really, Really Big

There's another piece of this that I've had to understand about myself.

When I become friends with someone, I don't do it halfway.

I get emotionally invested.

I care about people big.

When someone becomes my friend, I genuinely care about what happens to them. Their problems become things I think about. Their happiness matters to me. If they're struggling, I want to help. If they're hurting, I want to fix it. If they need something, my first instinct is usually to figure out how I can make it easier.

And honestly, that can be a beautiful quality.

But it can also make friendships really complicated for me.

Because I have a very hard time pulling myself away from people, even when I know the relationship isn't good for me anymore.

I can recognize that someone has hurt me and still not want to hurt them.

I can know that a friendship isn't healthy for me and still care deeply about that person.

I can be angry, disappointed, exhausted, and completely aware that I need distance... and still worry about whether they're okay.

That's something I'm learning to separate.

Caring about someone doesn't mean I have to keep giving them access to me.

And protecting myself doesn't mean I'm hurting them.

For a long time, I think I confused letting go with being cruel.

If I stopped answering as much, set a boundary, said no, or allowed a friendship to fade, I felt guilty.

What if I hurt their feelings?

What if they think I'm a bad person?

What if they needed me?

What if I could have done something differently?

But I'm learning that I don't have to make myself miserable just to prove that I care about someone.

Sometimes loving someone or simply caring about them means accepting that you aren't good for each other anymore.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is stop trying to force a friendship to be something it isn't.

And sometimes you can wish someone well from a distance.

That has been a really difficult lesson for me.

Because I don't think I'll ever become someone who doesn't care deeply.

Honestly, I don't want to.

I like that I care about people.

I like that when someone becomes my friend, I genuinely want good things for them.

I just don't want to keep confusing caring deeply with being responsible for everyone.

I can care about you without carrying you.

I can love you without abandoning myself.

And I can walk away from a friendship that hurts me without making you the villain.

Maybe that's what healthy friendship looks like for me now, not caring less, but learning that I can care deeply without losing myself in the process.

Eventually, though, I had to realize something.

If my friends valued me, they would have something to put into the friendship too.

That doesn't mean every friendship has to be perfectly 50/50 all the time.

People go through things. Sometimes one person needs more support. Sometimes one person has more capacity than the other.

That's life.

But there is a difference between a friendship going through an uneven season and a friendship that is fundamentally one-sided.

I'm learning that I am a person of value.

I don't have to earn friendship by constantly giving people things.

I don't have to pay for everything.

I don't have to be endlessly accommodating.

I don't have to make myself smaller so someone else is comfortable.

And I don't have to be afraid that setting a boundary means someone will stop being my friend.

I deserve friendships where people want to know how I'm doing.

Where they remember things about my life.

Where they reach out.

Where they make an effort.

Where I can say, "Hey, I need you," without feeling like I'm asking for too much.

I deserve friends who put something into the friendship because they want to, not because I've somehow earned it.

And then there's the other side of adult friendship that I think gets overlooked:

Sometimes it's not that you don't have friends.

Sometimes you just don't have a lot of opportunity to be a friend.

I'm not the person who goes out for drinks after work.

I don't regularly go to social gatherings.

I don't have unlimited childcare.

I have a kid, a job, a household, responsibilities, and approximately 47 things that need to be done at any given moment.

There are seasons of life where friendship doesn't look like spontaneous nights out.

Sometimes it looks like getting dinner with your girls every few months.

Sometimes it looks like sending each other ridiculous memes.

Sometimes it looks like a three-hour conversation because you haven't seen each other in forever.

Sometimes it looks like saying, "I'm sorry I've been MIA. Life is insane," and having the other person respond, "Girl, I know. You're fine."

And honestly?

I'm very lucky to have women like that in my life.

The women I can occasionally get together with who somehow leave me feeling recharged and refreshed instead of drained.

The women who understand this season of parenting and life.

The women who don't need me to be constantly available to know that I love them.

I probably should make more of an effort to see them.

I know that.

But I'm also learning that friendship doesn't have to look the way I thought it was supposed to look.

Maybe adulthood isn't about having a huge circle.

Maybe it's about finding the people you don't have to perform for.

The people who don't keep score.

The people who reciprocate.

The people you can disappear from for a little while because life got chaotic and come back to without needing a twelve-page explanation.

The people who make you feel like you can just be yourself.

I'm still figuring all of this out.

I'm still learning how to recognize the difference between being a good friend and overextending myself.

I'm learning that generosity is wonderful, but it shouldn't be the price of admission.

And maybe most importantly, I'm learning that I don't need to convince people to value me.

The right friends will bring something to the table too.

And those are the friendships I'm interested in now.