This post is coming with a trigger/content warning: ⚠️ * assault/manipulation/abuse * ⚠️
"Yes he makes you cry sometimes, but there are really good times too.
Sometimes he can be scary, but he loves you so much.
He can be violent on occasion, but it’s only because you upset him.
He can make you feel worthless but he’s so charming.
You’ve thought about leaving, but he knows all the right things to win you back.
It’s all going to be okay, right? He wouldn’t actually do anything, right?
Right?
1-800-799-SAFE
https://www.thehotline.org "
I don't talk about it but I am a survivor of domestic abuse.
This guy I dated before I met my husband.
He was very handsome and people were always quick to tell me how lucky I was. He would do the social media posts about me being his "woman crush wednesday" or gushing about me in a post.
I really thought he was it for me...
Then he became a bit possessive and controlling. It didn't seem like a huge deal I just thought he must really think I'm something special that he is worried about losing me.
That was how it started, that is how I began excuses for his poor behavior.
The first time that he laid hands on me, he pushed me into a wall and got in my face for "disrespecting him" in front of my friends. He demanded thay I never do that again.
I wish that I could say that it never happened again but it did... And it got worse from there.
The last time that he laid hands on me was due to a miscommunication.
I could see he was frustrated, I suggested I could go home and I'd see him the next day. He grabbed me so I couldn't move and started screaming in my face. I thought at first he was joking around until I looked at him and there was this darkness/anger in his face I cannot even describe, it still haunts me to this day.
I started to pull away which didn't work. It escalated until I was fighting with all my might to get away from him. I began sobbing, begging and pleading for him to "please just let me go."
I finally got an arm free and started doing whatever I could to get away. I eventually hit him in the face, a move I knew would catch him off guard and definitely infuriate him more.
I ran to my car, jumped in, swung the door shut and locked it in one move. The next thing I knew he was outside of my car trying to punch the windows out while I desperately put the keys in the ignition.
I couldn't see through my tears, I definitely shouldn't have driven at this point but I certainly couldn't stay.
I drove home. He kept calling my phone. I turned it on silent and collected myself. The second I saw my mother when I arrived home she knew something wasn't right. I collapsed into her arms, I couldn't even get a full sentence out with how hard I was crying.
All night I got multiple calls and texts full of apologies. Begging and pleading for me to forgive him. "It was a misunderstanding," he "loved me so much." He sent me pages and pages worth of apology messages. He left me dozens of voice-mails crying and begging for my forgiveness. Claiming I was the love of his life and it was physically unbearable for him to live with himself knowing that he put me through so much.
It's a longer complicated story but I eventually forgave him. I can't even describe why I did it. He was like a drug and I was too naive to know the dangers.
A few things occurred after this but it's all very messy and complicated. I didn't know how to leave. I felt I needed a "reason." I tried a few times but he always slithered back into my life.
Eventually I let him break up with me and agreed that it was for the best and never responded to another call or text from him. (Which continued for over a year until I got a new number.)
I wish I had some really fantastical coming of age story our breakup where I am portrayed as a badass woman who found her strength. I didn't find my strength until much later, which, is maybe another story for another day.
But I gracefully slipped out of my bad situation.
Not all women are as fortunate.
If you ever find yourself feeling unsafe in your relationship, please please leave.
You don't need a good reason to break up with anyone. Contrary to popular belief, you actually don't even owe them an excuse.
If you have nowhere else to go, get ahold of your local shelter, see if you can crash with a friend until you get back on your feet.
I know its easier said than done but you are worthy of being treated like royalty.
Please stay safe
1-800-799-SAFE
https://www.thehotline.org
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